动物学校

辛辛那提大学一助理学监写过一个著名的动物学校的故事:

The Animal School: A Parable

Once upon a time the animals decided they must do something decisive to meet the increasing complexity of their society. They held a meeting and finally decided to organize a school.

The curriculum consisted of running, climbing, swimming and flying. Since these were the basic behaviours of most animals, they decided that all the students should take all the subjects.

The duck proved to be excellent at swimming, better in fact, than his teacher. He also did well in flying. But he proved to be very poor in running. Since he was poor in this subject, he was made to stay after school to practice it and even had to drop swimming in order to get more time in which to practice running. He was kept at this poorest subject until his webbed feet were so badly damaged that he became only average at swimming. But average was acceptable in the school, so no body worried about that – except the duck.

The rabbit started at the top of her class in running, but finally had a nervous breakdown because of so much make-up time in swimming – a subject she hated. The squirrel was excellent at climbing until he developed a psychological block in flying class, when the teacher insisted he start from the ground instead of from the tops of trees. He was kept at attempting to fly until he became muscle-bound – and received a C in climbing and a D in running. The eagle was the school’s worst discipline problem; in climbing class, she beat all of the others to the top of the tree used for examination purposes in this subject, but she insisted on using her own method of getting there.

The gophers, of course, stayed out of school and fought the tax levied for education because digging was not included in the curriculum. They apprenticed their children to the badger and later joined the groundhogs and eventually started a private school offering alternative education.

试译如下： （因时间充裕，添油加醋在所难免，不当之处，恳请方家指正。）

曾几何时，动物们决定干出点丰功伟绩，于是开始组建一个学校。动物们觉得人类凶猛，为了对付这个天敌，他们必须强化奔跑、爬行、游泳、飞行、外语等多项技能。动物们本来想各学各的，但是校长猫头鹰不同意，觉得操作麻烦，不便管理。教务长，一只名叫墨哥哥的猪，患猪流感在家休假半年，所以也没有去管。猫头鹰校长平时都是夜间上班，也不知道白天都发生着些什么事情，所以只是按照自己的设想，认定所有技能必须齐头并进一起发展。由于猫头鹰向来是智慧的化身，大家也不好说什么，只好按照他的课程表来。

鸭子的游泳课学得很好，事实上它比教练学得更好，它的飞行也得了个及格。可是它跑步课上得很差，由于跑步学科偏科严重，它留了一级，后来放学后又留下来继续联系跑步，两个鸭脚爪都跑破了，结果连下水游泳都困难，可是这个也没有人管，因为大家都是按照教学大纲奉命行事，鸭子自己痛自己知道，天天叫唤个没完。

兔子跑步课上一直名列前茅，可是一想到要游泳，立刻就崩溃了。后来有一天，精神崩溃的兔子跑到一个悬崖顶上跳下来自杀了。

松鼠跑步课很不错，可是飞行课让它十分紧张。它提出从树顶上往下飞，但是老师说，由于鸭子和兔子反对，这种从高处飞的“高考”已经废除了，学校出台了一个新政策，叫“不然一个孩子落下”（No child left behind）, 要求大家一起，从地面同一个起跑线起飞。松鼠从地面“飞”了很多次，摔得鼻青脸肿。另外它爬树的姿势不够标准，得了C, 跑步得了D.综合成绩不及格。

老鹰是班上的调皮生，被整得够呛，比如爬树到树顶一项，它其实是最快的，但是由于它坚持按照自己的方式到树顶，不理学校意见，结果被开除。老鹰于是转学到一飞行专科学校，学有所成，日后自己创业，开了一个空中飞的公司，发得一塌糊涂，可惜后来得了禽流感，早早死了。临死之前，老鹰仰望苍穹，长叹一声：虚空啊虚空。

公鸡飞能飞一点，跑能跑一点，扔水里扑腾扑腾也淹不死，所以综合成绩都很好。但是它的外语成绩不过关，它有个毛病，发音不大标准，老是说：“个个个。”狐狸老师说它发音不饱满，也不是标准的“美音”，应该叫：Cocka doodle doo。老师叫它每天清早天不亮就起来，不管天冷天热，站到高处练习Cocka doodle doo. 而且最好一起晨练。在把其它动物吵得神经衰弱之后，公鸡终于练会了标准的Cocka doodle doo, 想学点别的，哪知道狐狸老师溜掉了，去教鸭子说Quack, quack, quack了。这个老师总是捞一把就走，不会教你超过三句话。

土拔鼠因为平时不在地面之上，被动物们看成外来户，学校拒绝开挖掘课，它上不了学。于是开始了反抗运动，联合田鼠等，组织了拒绝交贡粮的活动。学校本来是要靠这些贡粮来存活的，所以一度进入紧急状态，但是学校后来找了一些蛇来维持秩序，让土拔鼠们又恢复了供应。

一只八哥，由于参加歌唱比赛得了第一，被学校破格录取，免试跑步、游泳、爬行等，直接读发声学博士。但是业余这八哥必须给学区主任公牛身上啄虱子。

由于学校管理混乱，各种飞禽走兽无不怨声载道。猫头鹰被革职了。学校想请一个见过世面的动物来管理，于是找了一只见过很多世面的海龟。

海龟上任后，卖石灰的见不得卖面粉的，把两个尽职尽责的土鳖老师开了，请了一只原来在海里一起玩耍的大虾来一起管理。大虾不懂跑步、飞行这些，但是它很会夹人，于是开了一体育课，专门教大家夹人。海龟自己最擅长的技艺是在海滩孵蛋养小海龟，于是它开了一门课，教学员如何用海带等，将一串海龟蛋连起来，拖到沙地里藏起来。这门课叫“扯蛋学。”

海龟、大虾都不适应这陆地环境，不久自己死的死，逃的逃。

老校长猫头鹰官复原职。但是这时候学校的学员已经七零八落，流失得差不多了。老校长想了个办法，想搞搞远程教育。他请来一直蜘蛛，蜘蛛名叫夏洛特，说：“ 唉，你不是会网络教学吗？”夏洛特于是开始编织一个庞大的网络，让学员一个个上网。学员上去之后，蜘蛛采用游戏教学手段，让它们角色扮演，比如公鸡扮演自己是老鼠，鸭子假装自己是猪，等等，都说这叫“第二人生”，蜘蛛小姐说这里无所不能。你要月亮就有月亮，要星星就有星星，Sky is your limit. 这位老师说。

一直鹅愣愣地过来说：老师，我要星星。

蜘蛛说：你将头往墙上撞，撞几下星星就出现在你眼前了。

鹅撞一次，眼前就全部是星星了。鹅说：噶噶，我好幸福好幸福喔。

于是皆大欢喜, 原文结尾是…lived happily ever after. The end.

但愿如此。